Go to any Republican leaning website and the refrain is the same...President Obama has no chance for a second term in 2012. He is a socialist, he is spending us to oblivion, he has no clue. This would be funny if it just weren't so damn sad. The Republicans will fire off a dozen things about what is wrong with our President but they can't name one thing that Mitt Romney or Sarah Palin stand for. Typical. That being said I thought it was time to look at the Republican field as we know it today. Those that have committed and those that haven't. Those that are trying to decide in or out and those that have already decided that 2012 is not their year. This list is long and actually, quite unbelievable. The handicapping odds are my own. Many, many hours of thought and mathematical computations went into arriving at these numbers. Please remember, these are the odds of each candidate getting the Republican nomination...oh, and one more thing, this is for entertainment purposes only...
Mitt Romney: (3/1) The front runner. Mormon. Romneycare. Second time around. Although he has been dubbed the Republican front-runner, he has problems. Normally I would say that his stance on healthcare and his passing of Romneycare in Massachusetts was his biggest problem. It's just too damn close to Obamacare. Romneycare is NOT his biggest problem. His biggest problem is that he is Mormon. Even though 99% of the Republican electorate couldn't tell you what exactly a Mormon is, they do know that it is a religion and it is not like them. He is not Christian. End of story. It's that whole "he's black" thing again, only this time it's in their own party and he's Mormon.
Mitch Daniels: (5/1) Who is Mitch Daniels? Well, if you were a Republican from Indiana you would know that he is the Governor of that state. You would also know that he is a bit of a Republican hero for the way he has embraced his fiscal conservatism and steered Indiana out of economic disaster. If he were to get the Republican nomination he might have a little problem explaining to the woman of this country why he de-funded Planned Parenthood while also banning abortions after 20 weeks...I'm just sayin'...
Tim Pawlenty: (6/1) Pawlenty has the same problem as Daniels, no name recognition. Of course that can change over the course of a long nominating season but, like all candidates, he has skeletons in his closet too. The former governor of Minnesota is going to have a hard time explaining to his Republican minions how leaving the state of Minnesota a huge deficit is going to play into the fiscal conservatism that the Republican party is banking on. Raising taxes more than 50% during his term is not the way to curry favor with the lock step conservatives of this country.
Sarah Palin: (8/1) I could write a book on this woman. Republicans, especially the Tea party crowd, love her. Democrats absolutely despise her. Not only did she quit the governorship of Alaska mid term but she is, quite frankly, dumb as a box of rocks. It always amuses me when the Republicans spout off that we liberals "fear" Sarah Palin. I don't "fear" Sarah Palin. I "fear" a woman who can not tell me the story of Paul Revere, cannot tell me what newspaper she reads, says she can see Russia from her back yard. This is what I "fear", that and she is just bat-shit crazy.
Newt Gingrich: (12/1) His three divorces and an affair while his wife was dying go along very well with the family values that Republicans like hang their hat on. Oh, and don't forget that he was censured by Congress. He asks that he not be judged on his past, yet this is exactly what Republicans do best. He has no shot.
Michelle Bachmann: (15/1) Ah yes, Michelle Bachmann. Darling of the Tea Party. Not a Governor. Not even a Senator. She is a Representative from the great state of Minnesota, which as we all know, supremely qualifies her for President of the United States. If Sarah Palin is bat-shit crazy than this woman is double bat shit crazy. Could you imagine a Palin/Bachmann ticket? Comedians will be doing backflips for months!
Ron Paul: (25/1) I like Ron Paul. He's like that crazy uncle that sticks out his finger and dares you to pull it. He means well and you know he wants to help the country but in the end you wouldn't trust him to mow your grass, let alone run the country.
Herman Cain: (60/1) I'm going to start off by telling you, if you didn't know already, Herman Cain is Black. Yes, that's right, Black. He is a Republican who in a previous life started and ran Godfathers Pizza. Yes, that's right, Godfathers Pizza. I know that there is a witty response to this but there are so many ideas flooding my brain right now that I can't even begin to know where to start...we'll leave it at that.
Rick Santorum: (100/1) You didn’t think that bat-shit crazy was only reserved for female Republicans, did you?
The Field: (500/1) Gary Johnson, John Huntsman, Rudy Giuliani, Alan West, Buddy Roemer...Can you believe that Rudy is considering...WTF? Who are these people?
I would be remiss if I forgot to mention those that have already decided that, perhaps, running for the Republican nomination, is, for whatever reason, not in their best interest:
Donald Trump: Yes, the Donald was floating the idea of running for President. Somewhere along the line his plan got derailed. Something about a long form birth certificate and the birther issue not being what it was cracked up to be. So, he dropped out...and this coming from the guy who proclaimed he was in the lead in the polls. Who'd of thunk it?
Haley Barbour: Apperantly even Haley finally realized that the country wasn't ready for the KKK to be in the White House.
Sharon Angle: She actually floated the idea of running for President a few months ago. That was until she realized that she was too bat shit crazy, even for the Republican Party.
And then there are those who have not quite made up their mind...
Rick Perry: The current governor of Texas. Also the guy who suggested that Texas secede from the Union over Healthcare. I believe he has spent too much time with Todd Palin.
Chris Christie: The wildcard. The republicans love him but he continues to say that he is not interested. Who knows. If he gets in he could give Romney a fight. He's not Mormon, so he has that going for him.
Mike Huckabee: Poor Mike. Evangelical Christian. Die Hard Republican. Former Governor. Pastor. Birther...DUH!! Damn...he was doing fine until he hitched his wagon to that lost cause. At least he realized it was time to call it a day although I'm not entirely convinced that he won't re-enter.
If I am forgetting anyone it’s because I’m becoming bat-shit crazy imagining all these people on a stage for the first Republican Presidential debate. 14 candidates and another 6 that decided not this year. If all 14 show up at the Republican debate, this would be the greatest Republican gift to the Democratic Party since Christine O'Donnell (another of my favorites).
Believe it or not, a majority of the country leans towards the center. There isn’t a soul in this group that has seen the center since they tried to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. If anything, these people, combined with the Tea Party, will make for some great comedic moments during the 2012 election cycle. And, Bill Maher willing, "bat shit crazy" will forever define this bunch of lunatics.
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